


Fragile Ice

by FreyjaLilith



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji Is So Done, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Ice Skating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 00:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15546021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreyjaLilith/pseuds/FreyjaLilith
Summary: “AAaaaaAAAAkaaaAaashi?”“Yes Bokuto-san?“Are fishes underwater wet or dry?”“…”“Both”“Thank you!”‘At least he’s polite this time.’--------------------------------“Bo…”“Bokuto, don’t you think that maybe, somehow, possibly. Akaashi might be self-harming?”--------------------------------Where Akaashi skates. Akaashi misundertoods. Akaashi hurts.





	Fragile Ice

_He’s leaving._

**_SCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR_ **

****

_He’s going to go._

**_HE’S PANTING._ **

****

_He’s leaving. ~~I don’t want you to go.~~_

__

**_HE FALLS HARD._ **

__

He’s punishing himself. For his stupidy. For his hurting him. For his cowardice. He doesn’t know.  But what he does know is that for every bruise and every swelling from every jump that he flubbed on the ice today is warranted, justified.

 

Some people fall to alcohol, drugs, or sex. Others fall to adrenalin, or self-harm. But ice-skating has always been Akaashi’s stress relief from everything. His emotions, usually reigned so tightly are unleashed when he’s in the ice. Spins are his confusion. The step sequences are his laughter. The hand gestures are his longing. And the jumps… The jumps are his anger, frustration and sorrow all combined in a tumultuous wreck.

 

’Salchow!’ he forces himself.

 

**ANOTHER FALL. ANOTHER BRUISE.**

He’s been at it for awhile now. He’s been numb for a while now.

 

**_SCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR_ **

****

_He’s leaving me. And it’s all my fault._

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Ice Cream

 

“AkaaaaaAaAAAAAAsshhiiiii!!!!!”

 

“What is it Bokuto-san?”

 

“What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?”

 

“Vanilla.”

 

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? But that’s like **not** a flavor.”

 

“We’re currently looking at it as one of the choices in this stall Bokuto-san.”

 

“But- but. It’s really not at all!!! It’s like just a branch of it. We should try the special jalapeno flavor instead. Or! Or!! The wasabi one. Saru told me to try it some time.”

 

“…”

“Your funeral Bokuto-san. Vanilla flavored for me please.”

 

“AkAaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaASHi.”

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Fish

 

“AAaaaaAAAAkaaaAaashi?”

 

“Yes Bokuto-san?

 

“Are fishes underwater wet or dry?”

 

“…”

“Both”

 

“Thank you!”

 

‘At least he’s polite this time.’

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Wrong

_Snicker snicker_

“AkAaaaaaaAaaghSHIEe!”

 

“Good morning Bokuto-san

 

“What is spelled wrong in the dictionary?”

 

“Wrong.”

 

“NoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Why did you know?? I spent weeks thinking about this!!”

 

“Weeks?”

 

“Okay. Days.”

 

“Days?”

 

“Okay! Okay! A few hours. Saruu asked me this morning and I couldn’t get it out of my head.”

 

“And were you able to answer it yourself?”

 

“Of course!!!”

 

“…”

 

_A mumble._

“Okay, I gave up and asked for the answer.”

 

“Stop letting Saruu-san always get to you Bokuto-san.”

 

“Yeah yeah. But I swear you’re like a genuis or something Akaashi.”

 

_Sigh._

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Dead

_Sniff sniff_

“Bokuto-san”

 

**_SNIFFLE SNIFFLE_ **

****

“Bokuto-san, I’m sorry but it’s over.”

 

“Wyd dasszie hab to daaaaaighghghghh”

 

“Bokuto-san it’s just a bird.”

 

**_LOUD, ANGRY, CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN EXPELLING SNOT IN A TISSUE_ **

“ **AKAASHI!!! YOU EVIL DICKBUTT YOU CAN’T CALL HEDWIG AS JUST A BIRD!!! HE WAS FRIEND!!! HE WAS FAMILY!!!! HE WAS A HERO!!!!! APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE RIGHT NOW!!”**

“…”

“It’s just a movie.”

 

**“!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”**

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

** Existencial Crisis **

****

“Hey AkaaAaaashi!!!! Listen to this.”

 

“…”

 

“It says here that, **It takes a whole ocean and the moon to erase your mere footstep in the sand.”**

 

“…”

 

_Snicker snicker._

“It’s too early for me to question my existence in this universe Bokuto-san.”

 

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

Smooth

“How do I install a pretty and attractive face like yours Akaaashiiiiiiiiiiii.”

 

“You can’t install software already on the device.”

 

“What.”

 

“What.”

 

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

Crack

 

“How do I confess my feelings to someone?”

 

**_Ba-thump. Cracks._ **

****

“Wh-wha..”

 

“Bokuto!!! You finally realized it?”

 

“Congrats man! Finally!!!”

 

“I thought it would take you years!”

 

“AH! OI SARUU!!! I WON THE BET!!! I TOLD YOU HE WOULD BEFORE GRADUATION!!!!”

 

_Groans and cheering and more cheers for everyone._

 

Akaashi’s world breaks.

 

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

Special

 

The first time he sees them was when Akaashi was on his way to the cafeteria. They’re usually together even on lunch breaks but today was a rest day from practice.

 

“Hey! Hey! Hey!” a familiar voice stops him in his tracks and turns around to see Bokuto-san. And a petite blonde.

 

A girl’s name comes out of his mouth. It doesn’t register.

 

 ~~“□■□■□■■!~~ How does it make you feel to know your left hand has never touched your left elbow and your right hand has never touched your right elbow?”

 

Loud laughter breaks among them as they, ~~yes even she~~ , participates in trying to test it out.

 

_~~How does it make you feel to know you’re not that special?~~ _

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

First

 

 _‘Triple Lutz!’_ he forces himself.

 

**A PAINFUL FALL.**

 

First ~~of the many~~ bruise. First ~~of the many~~ bruising.

 

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

~~ “□■□■□■■! ~~

 

 ~~“□■□■□■■!~~ You came to watch!”

 

“Of course, Koutarou. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I want to see yo-“

 

Bokuto-san practically scrambles to where she is and drags her away out of eyesight. Bokuto-san looks back though and their eyes locked. His face was flushed, whole face going red. Akaashi turns away first.

 

_Another crack._

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

_~~ Koutarou ~~ _

_~~~~ _

“Hey Koutarou. What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75 years or so to kill us?”

 

A beat.

 

Then they’re both scrambling around and holding their breath and shouting and being so similar to each other.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

_~~ Akaashi ~~ _

 

“AkaAaaashi!”

 

_‘Don’t call me that.’_

“Hey Akaaaaaaaashi!”

 

_‘Don’t talk to me.’_

He faces in his direction, eyes everywhere but on **his.**

“You’ve been having a lot of bruises lately huh?”

 

“It’s none of your business **Bokuto-san**.” It’s cold. Biting. Sharp.

 

His captain reals back, blinks in surprise and opens his mouth to say something.

 

The whistle signals end of practice. Akaashi leaves first.

 

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

_ Numbered _

“AkAAAAAAAAaaaaashiiiii! Hey! Let’s-…”

 

“Koutarouuuu!!!”

 ~~“□■□■□■■!~~ Later Akaashi!”

 

Akaashi is counting. Everthing is numbered.

 

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

_ Cracks _

 

It’s the senior’s congratulatory graduation party courtesy of the volleyball team.

__

He sees them embracing.

 

Bokuto-san is crying. The bright and hyper Bokuto-san was crying. In the girl’s arms. He’s clinging to her like she’s his lifeline, like he never wants to let go. The girl’s arms are wrapped around his shoulders. She’s whispering words only for them to hear. Her arms cradle his face, tilting it up. Their faces get closer.

 

Akaashi leaves.

 

**CRACK CRACK CRACK**

 

 ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

Of the many

 

 _‘Just land this single toe loop!’_ he forces himself.

 

**HE TWISTS HIS ANKLE.**

 

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

_ Last game _

 

It’s their last game.

It’s their last game, against Nekoma.

It’s their last game, against Nekoma, they lose.

And it’s all his fault.

 

  * 3rd 15-16



 

This is it. If they win this they get to face all new Karasuno for the finals. If they win this the seniors can play another game. It’s the semi-finals. They have to win this!

 

Unbeknownst to everyone, their setter is ready to fold. All the wrong places, ~~everything everything~~ aches and he’s straining not to let it show. They were currently on a time-out, the coach laying out the strategy to break the one-point gap from Nekoma and tie them up. He vaguely registers his role but his head is buzzing. There’s this persistent ringing, like a flat-line from a medical machine’s but he shoves the pain at the back of his head telling himself. _‘Just one more. I can break later. Just one more.’_

It was their serve and they risk a net-in. Fortunately, it falls to the other side however, Yaku-san was able to save it. Nekoma’s defence was still so tight and nigh impenetrable, it was infuriating. Akaashi feels the hair in his arms and the back of his neck break into goosebumps as he feels those eerie cat-like eyes of the other team’s setter settles on him. He’s the target. He’s the prey. He’s the weak link. _They know._

He prepares for it. In his pain-adled mind, he was sure the deciding point will be given to the other team’s captain. To Kuroo-san. ~~Bokuto-san’s best friend.~~ The seniors will be graduating on their side as well so the natural course was for the third years have the glory. He prepares to defend against him but the ball sails to the side, Kuroo jumps but his hand doesn’t hit the ball. The resounding _smack_ was courtesy of the tall, silver-haired, **freshman** on their team and he grits his teeth as he runs for the ball.

 

A stomp. Wrong foot. Electricity rushes through his body from the pain of his broken ankle. A one-second stop before he bites his lip and dives for the ball. _‘I can still reach it!’_ And he does. But it falls short. It doesn’t reach Bokuto-san. ~~It doesn’t reach Bokuto-san.~~

 

The ball falls on their side of the net.

 

**PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT.**

GAME OVER.

 

They lost and it’s all his fault.

 

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

Over

The silence was stifling. They were having an after-game meeting and no one was talking after the coach said his words _‘It’s okay. We’ll just have to practice more. Well, the seniors have to review for their college entrance exams but the others I’ll be whipping with suicides.’_ It was an attempt to cheer them up. It was an exercise in futility.

 

“Okay, enough of this.” It was Bokuto-san who breaks the silence.

 

“Akaashi, I’m not blaming you or anything. It’s a team play after all. But Akaashi. I know you could have saved that. What happened?”

 

He doesn’t respond. Now that the adrenaline is fading, the pain all over his body is wreaking havoc all at once.

 

“Damn it, Akaashi! I saw you stop! What is wrong with you??”

 

_‘Shut up. Shut up. **Shut up!’**_

****

His silence prolongs which fuels the other’s irritation more.

 

“Akaashi!!!! This was the team’s chance to fight for the championship! Our last chance on the court!!! We deserve an explanation!!! Why are you so distant lately? Why are there so many bruises on your body. Where, when, how do you get them? Why aren’t we talking anymore? Why are you avoi-“

 

The ringing on his head is back. Now it’s so loud it even drowns Bokuto-san’s tirade. Yet one high-pitched, obviously a female’s voice manages to seep in his haze.

 

“K-koutarou?” what’s-her-name peeks in the tension-filled room. Funny how even now he still can’t remember her name much less her face.

 

Akaashi stands up and waddles through his pain, “I am sorry everyone it was a misstep on my part. I miscalculated the distances and I take full blame. I’m sorry I ruined your chances Bokuto-san. But it’s over. It was **just a game**.” ~~‘ _No it wasn’t, what are you saying.’_~~ “I lost us one point, it’s the deciding point, yes, that’s why I apologized.” _~~‘Stop! Don’t you dare continue.’~~_ “But who was it that lost us an entire set from being so unstable because of the smallest things?” ~~‘Stop! Stop! Stop! Someone, stop me, please!’~~ “It was you Bokuto-san, so don’t you dare put all these blame to me.” **~~The sound of a glass shattering into tiny pieces.~~**

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

_ Flood _

__

He sees them embracing again.

 

He flees. Away from them. From anyone. To his room.

 

And breaks, lays himelf bare and **crumples.** His mouth opens in a soundless scream as the dam breaks and the tears he’s been holding for so long falls, ~~it floods~~ , it falls. On bended knees he curls and prostrates himself on the ground, sobs wracking all over his body. The lump on his throat so _so **SO**_ heavy. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I am so sorry.” It hurts _~~so fucking much~~_ to swallow. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

This continues for hours at end.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

_ End _

 

**_SCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR_ **

 

Goes the steel blade scratching through the once pristine ice.

 

An attempt at a jump. Fail.

 

How many times was this. How many fallls was this.

 

Yet he continues. Barely feeling the pain anymore.

 

The entrance door of the rink bangs open. He hears thunderous footsteps, getting louder and louder, until they’re on the ice. Someone is walking on the ice. ~~Not gliding, no, walking. They weren’t wearing any skates.~~ Someone is walking on the ice and he barely recognizes them as he was tackled down and they were falling and falling and he braces himself for the pain.

 

He opens his eyes wondering why the pain doesn’t come when he finds himself drowning in those _oh-so-familiar_ molten golds. He was bracing his head with one arm and the brief pressure in his lower body was removed as his attacker moves to straddle him.

 

Silence. A beat. Eyes still locked in a wordless conversation.

 

Oh.

 

There’s a pressure in his lips.

 

He never let’s go.

 

“Keiji.”

 

 

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

_ Omake -Nekoma _

__

After the ~~disastrous talk~~ game:

 

“Bo! Hey!”

 

“Kuroo. Pudding-kun”

 

“Is Akaashi doing okay?”

 

“…”

“What do you mean?”

 

“Wha-… He’s-…! You mean you guys don’t know?”

 

_A clenched jaw. A gritted tooth._

“Kuroo.”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“Akaashi-san was in pain all throughout the game. Possibly even from the beginning. He was really good at hiding it. I wasn’t even really sure if he really was. I took a risk. The last point… I just know that his foot was on the verge of breaking. I exploited it. That pause. His foot is more or less sprained…- “

 

Bokuto can’t listen to them anymore. It had to be lies. All of them. Akaashi wasn’t hurting **that much**. Yes, he has some bruises. But to be in so much pain that costs them an entire game-…

 

“Bo…”

“Bokuto, don’t you think that maybe, somehow, possibly. Akaashi might be self-harming?”

 

He’s shaking his head. Akaashi can’t be. He’s one of his dearest friends. He’s, - Akaashi is special. He’s the one he lo-… He should’ve seen it! No. _No. **NO!!!!!!**_

 

Bokuto’s anguished face. Then he runs.

 

“Bokuto!”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“Hey, Kuroo. Who was that girl Bokuto-san was with just now?”

 

“Uhh, his cousin I think? Or a close relative.  They’re new in town apparently.”

 

“Oh.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Uhm. Notes. Yeah uhm notes. I sgiykd sat sinetgubf. Wait. Yeah. I should say notes.
> 
> This was spontaneously made in a rushed 3-hour writing. We were having fun in our discord RP server when the writing juices just gushed out and it was almost midnight but I couldn't sleep when words were practically flowing so naturally. The loveable idiots there were urging me to log-out and sleep and uhm I don't really remember what happened next but I was able to trick them into giving me a prompt instead? So yeah. Sacrificed precious sleep just to get the juices out. //Please pardon the use of juices. I got it from them enough.
> 
> I didn't even proof-read before I posted so please pardon any mistakes. (I know, I know gods there are a lot of them)
> 
> And uhm that's it? Thanks for reading. Bows


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